Basic Instinct III
May 30, 2007

Hey there. Another swamped Monday at the office I see? Well I suppose our lives aren’t that much different then. We’re both here standing in this packed train heading home and it’s already 10pm.

I bet you’re all caught up with datelines and had to stay back at the office. Yeah, I had to stay back too my dear. I have no Internet at home and it’s hard to play Warcraft before my boss heads home.

Anyway...

I’m all worn out from work. My hair looks no better than a robin’s nest, my sleeves all rolled up to the elbow and I loosened my tie, trying hard to look like those guys up on the billboards.

But look at you, I doubt you looked any less stunning than you were this morning. Apart from your tedious façade, your blouse is golden and your knee length skirt, reaching your long dazzling legs, could light even the dreariest of eyes into a Sunday morning sunshine over the meadows.

You do know how men tend to get attracted to even the smallest things in you women, don't you? You might say to your girl friends "Oh, I look so very dreadful every time I get off work. Eye bags, messy hair... all the time..."

You couldn’t be more wrong, let me tell you that. Looking at the way you stare at the ground as the train rocks it way on the track, waving your hair over your eyes every now and then, I believe no man in this train wouldn’t want to have you all wrapped up in his arms.

Ah jolly good, it’s the second last stop and you’re not going out. We’re both heading to the terminal then and it’ll be a 10 minute ride until we’re there. Maybe someday we wouldn’t have to take this bloody crammed train anymore. Maybe someday I will hold you hand in hand prancing our way to our BMW at the car park as we head to our home, from work; as my loser friends look at me scowling in utter jealousy no less.

And won’t you just look at that, we’re the only ones standing up and within our sights are the only two seats available. Shall we?

At very long last, I could finally lean on my back whilst watching you walking gracefully towards the opposite seat. Perhaps one day there’ll be a table in between our seats with the finest Italian cuisines on our plates; dimly lighted by the tall candle in the middle. Oh oh and possibly beside the table is a virtuoso doing a rendition of our song, Lloyd Webber’s Memory, on his violin.

You’re now seated. And again, your hair brushes through your shoulders as you place your handbag by your side and try to get comfortable. But your last move was the one that really got me awe-struck. You place your gentle hands on your lap as you cross your legs and look straight into my eyes. And I thought Michael Douglas was the luckiest SOB on the planet when Sharon Stone did the same thing to him.

But being the shy fellow that I am albeit my wild imagination, I try not to look back straight at you and rolled my eyes down until they stop, together with everything else in time. Drops of sweat start to flow down my temple and my heartbeat skips a few beats as I grasp my laptop bag to calm myself down.

Deeply hidden amidst the darkness of your skirt, clearly visible to the current lighting, are a set of spherical objects popping out of your under garment. And images of nutcrackers, rambutans, table tennis, Long John Silver’s, RuPaul, Willie Nelson and the Village People flashes through my eyes.

So much for my Sharon Stone moment.

Inspired by: Four Short Crushes



Sobs...
May 24, 2007

I’m often told by my friends that I have a horrible sense of humor. And quite a number of them would advise me to kill myself after listening to my jokes.

As much I would want to disagree with them, it only took two girls to reassure me that I’m in no position at all to back my sorry self.

A schoolmate of mine wrote about how easy it is to amuse her and posted this at the end of her entry...
"oh well.. ive had ppl say that i am easily amused. maybe i am.. hahahahha. i even find serih's jokes to be funny, so i guess it must be true! Hahahahha"
Another schoolmate prolonged my misery by double-teaming against me with the following comment...
"your not the only one ok. i pun rasa lawak serih kelaka.. and i always ask myself.. why ??"
That hurts, really bad.

Anyway Azman, you've just got yourself a new friend aboard your SS Eternal Bachelor. You're still the lone passenger of SS Eternal Virgin though.



Everybody Hurts II
May 19, 2007

The following is the second part of my study on rejection lines. The first part is in the post before the previous one. Thank you for the overwhelming response.

Oh and though I'm more than capable of going through the anecdote in the first part, do allow me to clarify that all of the stories in this study are fictional.

Case Study 2 – You're Just Too Good To Be True

"And this young gentleman right here is another one of our execs, Karim. Karim, meet Diana, our new staff."

What should be another uninspiring Monday morning was no more as Karim turned his head from the computer screen over to the side of his cube.

There she stood. Pony-tailed and clad in a traditional pink kurung with a file in between her crossed hands, Diana had Karim in awe of her mesmerizing beauty, and immaculate smile. Still typing on the PC, the jaw dropping encounter had his mouth open for the next ten seconds before En Daud brought him back to reality.

"Aih Karim, lama menguap? OK Diana let me introduce you to the others."

Slowly, his head swerved like a CCTV towards Diana's direction, back to his computer screen... before he fell off his chair.

AwangNeo81 says: i love you? ko nak mampos ke apa?
KarimBekeng says: sori2 weh aku tertaip tadi. ada awek baru masuk opis aku dok menaip sambil tergamam tengok dia. aduh lawa gila bai... aku rasa aku jatuh cinta sudah...
AwangNeo81 says: haha... piira mabok... ko muka tak siap takyah berangan la...
KarimBekeng says: takleh wang, cinta pandang pertama ni. aku mesti cuba...

And that was the beginning of Karim's journey. A journey he'd never thought of going through. A journey into the depths of the ocean to grasp that one majestic pearl that is a place in Diana's heart.

Days go by as Karim learns Diana's day at work. By then, Diana's daily wheres and whens are all stored in Karim's head.

Come 830am and Karim would sneak into the pantry to find Diana preparing her morning coffee, pretending to prepare his own.

"Morning Diana. Buat kopi ke?"

"Morning Karim. Ha'ah... Diana kena minum kopi la in the morning. Otherwise, nanti mengantuk je whole day."

"Ehehe... sama la kita. Karim pun tetiap pagi buat kopi. Ehehe..."

As he throws some tea bags into his mug.

Come lunchtime and Karim would go down the elevator 5 minutes earlier to ‘accidentally' bump into Diana on her way to lunch.

"Eh, Diana... lunch sorang je ke?"

"Hi Karim. Sorang je la, Diana baru kat sini... takde kawan la. Takde sapa sudi nak teman kita... nak buat cemana."

"Aih... kebetulan sangat la tu. Karim pun nak pegi lunch gak nih. Member Karim semua pegi outstation ni. Jom la kita pegi sekali."

"Yeay... OK jom!"

Suavely, Karim walks proudly beside Diana, passing his friends at the lobby; leaving them green with envy.

Time flies and before long, Karim has become Diana's closest friend at the office. Their mornings are spent stirring coffee together. Their afternoons are spent at their favorite lunch stops together (with Karim subtly bragging to his friends without fail). Some of their evenings and weekends are spent together at the movies and such.

And most of them are off Karim's tab... in his voyage of impressing Diana. Hundreds in meals, gifts, tickets and fuel were spent. But nothing ever seemed too much for Karim. If it carves that gorgeous smile on Diana's face, then it's worth any amount.

By then, Karim was already pretty confident that his place in her heart is within reach. He can feel it. And so comes the evening of truth, atop Bukit Damansara, overlooking KL city.

"Lawa kan view KL ni Karim?"

"Couldn't come close to a pinch of the beauty of your smile dear." said Karim to himself.

(Translated to English... I dare not write what he actually said.)

"Er... Diana..."

"Yes?"

"I cannot play my game anymore."

(He meant "I couldn't play this game anymore.")

"Ha? Kenapa? PlayStation kat rumah Karim rosak ke?"

"Eh tak tak... susah lak nak cakap omputih. Karim nak bagitau sesuatu kat Diana ni."

"Oooh... bagitau la... apa dia?"

"Karim... Karim... sukakan Diana. Dan kalau boleh, Karim nak Diana mengisi ruang kosong di dalam hati Karim ni... untuk selama-lamanya."

"Karim... Diana faham. Tapi... tapi..."

"Tapi apa lagi Diana? Apa lagi halangan yang membuatkan Diana masih bertapi-tapi lagi dengan Karim?"

"Tapi... Karim terlalu baik untuk Diana."

Analysis:

I don't quite know how to analyze this case to be honest.

Simply put, unless Karim was in the Mat Rempit jumping onto North Pole expedition, he must've already known that being ‘too nice' wasn't the real reason. Diana was just not interested in him. And doesn't want Karim to be a part of her life.

However, what if Karim was one of the Mat Rempit jumpers? He would've been too thick to get what Diana is actually saying. And come to believe that being too nice would backfire. Before you know it, Karim would start treating women harshly and may well end up being a lonely soul for the rest of his life.

So ladies, you surely can do much better than ‘you're too nice for me', can't you?

Even if you have no other option, please make sure the guy wasn't in the North Pole Mat Rempit jumping for no reason expedition.



Smoke Gets Into My Eyes
May 17, 2007

I was walking along Petaling Street one day and as I was crossing a chestnut stall, an old Chinese man, resembling The Lame of Shaolin Soccer, stopped me.

"Young man..."

"Yessir."

"How old are you?"

"24."

"What’s your proudest moment in life? You ever had any?"

I was stumped. All I could think of was the bronze medal I won for a running with a ping pong ball on a spoon in your mouth with both hands tied behind your back simply to make you look dumber when running race.

"Er... no sir... I couldn’t think of any... unfortunately."

"It’s been a very sorry twenty four years for you then. But no worries my son, that very moment shall arrive this very year. The horizons will be within your reach. The sun will shine brighter. And the moon will beam its light through the night; just for you. It will be this year that you’ll find the answer to my question."

He then left me alone amidst the haze of the chestnut stall... as he approached the nearby DVD stall for some good Asian porn.

Today, I found the answer to his question. I now know, the proudest moment of my life.

Some win the World Cup. Some conquer Everest. And some Mat Rempits, jump over some heights onto the North Pole for no reason.

I, had my story published on a super cool website.

So, what’s your proudest moment in life?



Everybody Hurts I
May 10, 2007

Rejection is tough, doubtlessly. And it affects you like a good squeeze in the balls... for eternity.

So, I made two case studies on the most commonly used rejection lines and their lack of significance, let alone legitimacy.

My objective in carrying out the studies is to help ease the pain of those coping with rejection. They would, at least, show how you’re not alone and at most, make you feel glad that you were rejected. I do also hope that they could trigger the opposite gender to use some other rejection lines and be more original in doing so.

Every confession should come with the knowledge that it will ruin the friendship should things don’t go as planned. Imagine the number of friendships people could save with proper rejection.

I don’t know much but I do sincerely hope sharing my thoughts could help.

But to compile all of them into one entry would be overkill so I will just get the ball rolling with the first case study.

Case Study 1 – He Ain’t Heavy, He’s My Brother

Jinggo is a 22 year old college student and he’s as ordinary as any of his peers could ever be. In fact, he’s too ordinary that he makes the average Joe look like everybody in KISS combined into one.

Standing at 5’7 with an average BMI, Jinggo is often seen in a ‘vintage’ rock band t-shirt, faded jeans, Jack Purcells and a homemade Levi’s messenger bag he bought in Central Market. And let’s not forget the two or three books that he would tend to hold in his hand though he could just put them in the bag. All in the spirit of making himself look less boring.

Always seen walking with his good friends around campus, and being the very average person that he is, Jinggo is fairly accepted by his female peers. Even so, he acts differently in front of different girls; more outspoken and jovial in front of the fairly decent ones and ultra shy in front of the super hot ones. Earth shrinks into the boot of a Mini Cooper when he’s in front of cute girls.

But it all changed one day after he was assigned into the same group with Lina, an 18 year old first year student, whom to his eyes was the most beautiful creature to ever set foot on the planet. They were in a group of three with the other member being Suzy, who is actually a guy despite his name. It does show how unthreatened Jinggo was by his presence in the group, evidently.

I’m bad at describing girls but I suppose it suffices to say that Lina is not the chest bearing, thong exposing, pole dancing, dirty talking Carmen Electra type, she’s the sweet smiling, angelic voicing, decent dressing, feminine touching, Mandy Moore type.

Yeah.

Through time, their friendship bloomed into a very close one. They stayed up at the library until the wee hours together. Had lunch and dinner dates at the school cafeteria together; leaving Jinggo’s friends in awe every single time. Exchanged text message up to on average four times both ways per day. Caught a movie every now and then and went through the classic ‘my ex’ talk by the lake, which had Jinggo making up a story about his ex-girlfriend who left him cause he chose to serve in Vietnam, 35 years ago.

It was as inevitable as Mawi’s AF3 triumph; Jinggo fell in love with Lina. And he wasn’t his usual self anymore. One sleepless night after another, Jinggo could only doze off for an hour or two before the alarm goes off for him to rush to class. It didn’t matter. As his entrance into the lecture hall would turn the room empty, leaving Lina in the midst of the silence, waving a tiny hello with her gentle fingers.

One fine morning, after another two hour sleep, Jinggo decided to come clean with Lina... just let it all out and get over with it. And soon comes the one on one, under the tree talk.

"Lina, kita ni baru je dua tiga bulan berkawan kan? Tapi rasa macam dah bertahun kita kenal."

"Ye Jinggo. Lina pun rasa gitu gak."

"Sebenarnya, Jinggo nak bagitau something kat Lina. Lama dah Jinggo simpan terbuku je dalam hati ni. Jinggo harap Lina dapat faham."

"Eh, kenapa ni Jinggo? Macam serius je? Cakap je la... Lina sedia mendengar."

"Jinggo... Jinggo... dah lama jatuh hati kat Lina. Dan Jinggo harap kita boleh jadi lebih dari kawan."

"Er..."

"Jinggo faham kalau Lina tak sudi. Jinggo juga tak memaksa. Siapalah Jinggo ni."

"Bukan begitu Jinggo. Tapi memang selama ni Lina dah anggap Jinggo macam abang Lina sendiri... sukar untuk Lina terima Jinggo sebagai teman hidup."

Analysis:

The "but you’ve been like a brother to me" line is like the Happy Birthday of songs.

Used so many times, through generations, one should already be prepared for its emergence should the girl be any younger, even by a day. Most female friends of mine are, by default, inclined to call anyone older even by a sneeze ‘bang’ or ‘kak’.

But that’s beside the point. Putting ourselves in Jinggo’s shoes and taking the words literally, it just doesn’t add up.

So what if you’ve been seeing me as an elder brother to you? You can always quit it... can’t you? Come on, it’s no harder than quitting smoking and porn... eh Judd?

What do elder brothers actually do with their younger, female siblings? You’ve guessed it right, they fight with them... all the time. They quarrel... all the time. I doubt Jinggo even had a mild banter with Lina.

Now after saying such thing to Jinggo, would Lina still have Jinggo as her friend? I, for one, doubt it as Lina had already planted, into Jinggo’s head the idea of him being her elder brother. It would only be stranger than Dennis Rodman for them to continue being friends.

I see it as Lina’s lost. She could’ve had a really good upperclassmen friend who could help or guide he go through the coming years in college. All she needed to do was device a rejection line that doesn’t involve brothers.



Wayang Kita
May 03, 2007

Malay movies nowadays are really confusing.

You could be told that it’s a love story and end up sleeping in bright light for three nights due to the movie’s frightening nature. Watch Cinta 100 Ela if you don’t believe me. Rashid Sidek dancing shirtless with grease all over his body amidst traditional dancers in the middle of a river? Move over Ju-On... and Freddy Krueger and Hannibal Lecter for that matter.

You could be told that it’s a comedy and end up soaked in your own tears as you weep in despair thinking of the nation’s humor acceptance level. Watch the Anak Mami/Mami Jarum/Papa Jahat and whatnot saga perhaps? They make my super bland and dry taste of humor look like twinkling diamonds on Miss Universe’s tiara.

You could be told that it’s a horror movie and end up utterly bemused in your quest of figuring out who you were supposed to be scared of. No, I’m super serious. You tell me who’s scarier, the ghost in Jangan Pandang Belakang or the people who allowed it to be shown in cinemas? MENSA members could easily have their scores reduced by half for watching that movie.

You could be told that it’s an action packed film and end up feeling all touched and affected and shit. Just look at the Mat Rempits in REMP-IT... so very sweet of them to share their girls among themselves. Such brotherhood in friendships is really rare nowadays. I want to be one of them. Insert smiley face.

You could be told that it’s a heavy drama and end up learning that if there’s anything heavy about the movie, it’s the headache that it brings to its audience. Now I don’t know how to elaborate more on this one but I spent a good large bottle of minyak kapak for each Sembilu movie I watch. How I got about watching the movies in the first place? I'll let you know after I figure out the afternoon I spent watching Nona with Salahx.

You could be told that it’s a sci-fi... nah, I won’t go there.

I’ll stop being Negative Nancy for now.

Heck, it’s not all negative you know. Grab a copy of ‘Pontianak, Pondan dan ...’ from your nearest video store. It is, by far, the only modern Malay movie that lives up to its expectation. Good straightforward high quality humor enriched with awesome cinematography and superb casting. Those who had watched it would concur.



Photography by Azalia Suhaimi

About
  • Asrif, b. 1983
  • Subang Jaya, Malaysia
  • asrifomar[@]gmail[.]com
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