Adakah cinta suatu permainan?
November 18, 2007

There’s a scene in Borat the movie in which Borat chases his sidekick Azamat all around a hotel corridor and into the conference room to later brawl on the stage. It would’ve been nothing if both of them weren’t stark naked and Borat wasn’t chasing Azamat with a fake fist in his hand, enraged after catching Azamat getting off to Pamela Anderson. But for that, I would easily coin that scene as the funniest in the history of filmmaking.

For the way it left me in tears and gasping for breath after suffering from severe stomach cramps, the scene deserves its place at the paramount of Mount Humor. And I thought nothing in real life could ever replicate the hilarity of that 13 minute scene.

Enter women’s futsal.

The beginning of time also marked the establishment of the ideology ‘women can do all that men could ever do’. Not that any guy in history really took his precious time to discuss the subject, let alone deny it. Nevertheless, activists the world throughout has been relentless in stressing just that. And they are taking the futsal pitches around the country by storm.

Apparently, the scenes before and after they take ‘center stage’, if you will, are of extreme opposites.

Prior to stepping into the futsal court, it’s a delight to be around them. Women in tight baby tees and pastel-colored hot pants puffing and panting their way for air as they stretch their long lean arms and legs is not something that I would really pass. Not to mention the suggestive words written all over their clothing; from ‘bootilicious’ to ‘devilicious’, from ‘foxy lady’ to ‘spank me’. Moreover, some look really charming in sweet little bandanas firmly tied around their heads; while applying some Bobbi Browns no less.

The moment they stride in between the nets, into the court however, all hell breaks loose. They bring a new meaning to the word unorthodox. What seemed to look like a group of dainty Disney movie princesses off the pitch suddenly resembles an army of gargoyles on the pitch. The cute little giggles and girly talks they were having fade into thin air. All that could be heard were the growls and roars of savage beasts. The sweet smell of their designer perfumes turns into the stench of sulfuric acid permeating into the atmosphere from middle Earth.

OK, some of what I just wrote may be a bit hyperbolic. May be. A bit. Suffice to portray the magnitude of their emotions anyway.

But how is that even funnier than that Borat scene then?

Despite the aggressive and hostile ambiance they create on the pitch, the objectives of the game that is futsal, are rarely met. The ball would be flying around aimlessly, often through odd place such as in between the arms, over the bar, into the court next door and Zanzibar.

The tackles are often harsh and violent, hitting everything but the ball. Consequently, they are bound to suffer more injuries playing futsal than men could ever do playing rugby, or Australian rules football for that matter.

Their passes, simply put, will go no straighter than Elton John. And ultimately, their shots toward the goal will either 1) go wayward or 2) hit their teammates.

I do honestly feel bad sometime for not paying Sports Planet to watch women play futsal. I paid some $30 once to see Russell Peters and even that seemed peanuts for a comedy show.

If I ever wake up as Aladdin, the first thing I’ll do is rub the lamp and make a wish that will definitely make the world a better place. I want women to see themselves playing futsal as I see myself doing ballet. Or Sir Elton, again, doin' a laydeh.

Behold the beginning of my life as an eternal bachelor.

Photography by Azalia Suhaimi

  • Asrif, b. 1983
  • Subang Jaya, Malaysia
  • asrifomar[@]gmail[.]com
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