Open Wide
December 26, 2007

South Park, Family Guy and Spa Q aside, I would have to say that ESPN SportsCenter is the best TV show, of all time. Simply because it covers the only news that matters, sports.

After all these years watching the show, it occurs to me that the women of SportsCenter make the best life partners. And I'm pretty sure I'm not the only who think so. In fact, I bet there are countless men out there who see these lady anchors as the ideal partner.

Let's ignore the fact that men will love them because of their looks. I for one am not in the position to you know, put looks up there in the list. Couldn't really expect someone soothing to the eye when you're a sore to the eye, could you?

Moving on, imagine yourself at IKEA and going at 50% less is this totally awesome bedsheet with a Jordan 23 silhouette logo on it. You've wanted it since you were a kid and as your mom was the law back then, you had to settle for a flowery bedsheet instead.

"Don't you weep no more, it's got blue flowers on them... still fine for a boy plus it goes well with the wallpaper. Now I'll make sure none of you friends make fun of you because of it allright..." as she fixes the sheet onto your bed while you wipe your tears.

At the counter, with glee, you say,

"Look what I got for our bed hun... you love His Royal Airness too dontcha..?"

To which your super hot SportsCenter anchor lady wife replies,

"Oh that's just lovely dear... I'll fix it once we get home OK? Looks like I'll have to serve two kings on the bed from now on eh..?"

"Well aren't you the sweetest thing? Don't you worry about serving two kings babe... only one of us is well hung..!" striking this pose.

Imagine yourself at the sofa on a Saturday night with all the necessities in place. A Big Gulp in the left hand, a bag of Twisties in the right, remote on the belly, leg up on the leg-rest; all too perfect a setting to watch the world's greatest team, Manchester City FC play.

All of a sudden your old lady stomps to the living room, grabs the remote off your belly and switches to E! for the rerun of Celebrity Hiccups... the very same episode she watched earlier that day..!

You're left there with your mouth wide open, in awe of your ruthless wife as she takes a sip on your Big Gulp.

In another life however, your yet again super hot SportsCenter anchor lady wife, in a skimpy City kit and hot pants, prances into the living room, snatches the bag of Twisties off your hand, takes out the biggest bit and flies it into your mouth while making the sound of a flying plane.

"Open wiiiiiiiiiiiiide... weooo... Air Twisties is landing... City won't win if the plane doesn't land... aaaaaaammm... good boy, mwaahh..!"

And you munched Air Twisties, bit... by bit... as time stood still, for you to enjoy the most beautiful smile in the world and the sparkle in her eyes.

Well, hope I made my point there.

Next Year
December 19, 2007

I don’t like December for one reason; it’s littered with ‘next year’ jokes.

Wherever you go people will try their best to somehow slide in a next year joke or two.

“Dude, we need to submit the paper ASAP.”

“Sure man, I’ll do it next year...”

“Next year?! The hell you sniffin’ man..? Gaaah..!”

“Haha, chill brotha… we’re in late December. Jan 1st is just two days away…”

“Owh… owh… ahaha… ahaha hee… hee…”

“Yeah, he he he… gotcha…” (striking this pose)

And that is how they usually end; a reluctant chuckle that fades into thin air.

Now I don’t have a problem with people who swear by next year jokes. In fact, I cherish their notion in injecting some camaraderie into the conversation; no matter how ridiculous it may be. I’m a lover like that.

What I do have a problem with though is doing that reluctant chuckle thing properly.

You see, I’m the worst actor in the world. Put me in any movie and you’ll see Clark Gable in Justin Guarini.

That said, I can’t fake emotions properly. It’s very difficult for me to draw a decent ‘joke acceptance’ face whenever someone throws a next year joke at me. And it’s simply because deep down inside, I feel nothing for next year jokes. They are like the points in Whose Line Is It Anyway; they don’t matter. Or as Drew had put it, they’re like deodorants to cab drivers.

Silence is better off, really.

Which made me think; why doesn’t anyone ever make any ‘last year’ joke?

Say your wife comes to you sometime early January and tell you that she’s pregnant. And you then say,

“You tramp! That ain't my kid… last time we had sex was last year!”

Referring to of course, sometime late December.

I’m taking myself too seriously. Happy new year everyone.

Alfie Reincarnations, We Are Not
December 07, 2007

"Wabbit season, duck season, wabbit season, duck season..."

The age old debate echoes throughout the year, until December arrives for Bugs and Daffy to come to terms. It's neither wabbit nor duck season. It's the 'wedding season'.

It's that time of year for ordinary people, like you and me, to strut their stuff and dazzle each other on a weekly basis. Indeed, there's always a part of us wanting to dress to impress. The way we satisfy that need however, can be a bit more subtle.

Legend has it that Eric Clapton wrote Wonderful Tonight while waiting for his girlfriend to get ready for a function. Though Clapton may have written the song to illustrate his sheer affection for her, my take on the song changed after learning why it was written.

It simply tells me that the time it takes for a woman to get dressed is the same as the time it takes for a man to write a chart-topping hit; which in my case is a few days short of a century.

Thus in my defense, as I don't have the patience to wait, the only reason I never bring a girl whenever I get an 'Asrif & Partner' wedding invitation is simply because I 'choose' not to...

...not because every girl in town blocks my number on weekends or excuses herself whenever I mention about going to a wedding.

Of course not.

I'm not really complaining though. In fact, I look forward to my friends' weddings as they provide opportunities for me, and my friends, to meet girls.

There are usually four to five of us in the car on the way to the wedding, talking as if we have the likes of Van Wilder and Alfie trapped in our bodies.

"I'm telling you guys, I'm walking home if I get less than five phone numbers from this one."

"This shirt man... it just never fails on me. Front pocket right here has endured a Yellow Pages worth of numbers. How I wish I'm kidding you."

"I spent the whole week reading and I'm totally gonna bomb this test dude. Behold..."

"This guy from work told me he met his hot wife at a wedding. Gave a letter to her through the flower girl and voila! Five bucks enough for these kids? That's all I got."

As we walk into the tent/hall area, maybe only one of us (usually myself) would look straight during the courtesy welcoming handshake with the parents. While my sad friends, peek over their shoulders for tables with the best view.

For some reason, while lining up for food, none of them could really talk properly. They only whisper to each other, while throwing glances at nearby tables. Or maybe nod repetitively to the beat of their plates drumming on their legs as their heads move 180 degrees.

It's not that we are that sad of a bunch, really. We do meet girls at weddings.

Here we are sitting at this depressing table and won't you just look at that, a girl friend of ours sitting at another table surrounded by her friends. Usually, the least forgettable one among us will be sent for the mission.

His initial presence would typically be welcomed by a very pleasantly surprised look, before being introduced to the girl’s girl friends, and then, 90% of the time, their boyfriends. And we celebrate his despair with a round of guffaws within our table.

Nobody really say much in the car on our way back; most looking out through the window in grievous solemn... wondering if there will ever be an end to our misery.

To my friends getting married soon, Selamat Pengantin Baru!

Elevator Talk Yang Aneh
December 01, 2007

Elevator talk is the greatest form of entertainment in the universe.

A definition of ‘elevator talk’ to kick-start the supporting points of my thesis statement:

“Elevator talks should only be for a one- or two-story building -- the time it takes an elevator to traverse one or two floors, and no more than 30 seconds.” Denver Business Journal

Though the above is a marketing/advertising term, a literal understanding of it translates to a day-to-day routine in office buildings across the globe. And most of the time, it involves two acquaintances who sort of know each other. They aren't really that close BUT close enough to NOT have the liberty to ignore the other (to avoid having to think much about things to talk about).

Now why is ‘elevator talk’ entertainment beyond Vegas?

Simply put, it covers the most exciting and amusing subjects in town...

The Weather

A: Been raining a lot these few days, hasn’t it?
B: Yeah... pouring cats and dogs yesterday evening.
A: It’s that season eh?
B: Yeah...
A: Yeah... (face down nodding with both hands in pockets)
B: Hmmm... (same as above)

Travel Route & Time

A: Which route did you use?
B: Ah, Federal Highway.
A: Pretty bad traffic jam eh?
B: Yeah, sort of... it’s the school holidays though. It ain’t that bad.
A: I see...
B: Yeah... (stares the ceiling as if looking for something, hands in pockets)
A: Hmmm... (same as above)

Newspaper Headline

A: Check it out, headline says ‘Elvis is Alive!’... (showing headline to others)
B: Get outta here!
C: The doors are closed mate, he’ll get out when he reaches the floor.
D: You gotta be joking!
C: Doubt it. If he’s joking he’d make a ‘knock knock’ joke or something.
A, B & D: (whisper “WTF” while glancing at smart ass Mr. C)

Random Rant

A: You know, it’s really annoying how Celcom charges are higher than the rest!
B: I know... their charges are over the top! (makes big eyes while nodding confidently though knowing jack shit about call rates)
A: Ugh! (looks at phone attentively while pressing the buttons roughly as if writing SMS though actually looking at the contact list after running out of ideas wishing for the elevator to reach her floor soon)
B: Heh... (smirks, wishing the same thing as the above)

Work Related

A: How's that QWERTY Project you were working on?
B: Ah we're in Phase 4... awaiting approval from ASDFGH.
A: I see... the ZXCVB of it all could be really tedious eh?
B: Tell me about it, ASDFGH can take ages!
Everybody else in the elevator: (sighs WTF?)

The 5pm Encounter

A: Heading home eh?
B: Yeah, for once!
A: Ehehehehe...
B: Eheh hee... hee...
Mr. Burns: Excellent...

I’m running out of things to write about.

Photography by Azalia Suhaimi

  • Asrif, b. 1983
  • Subang Jaya, Malaysia
  • asrifomar[@]gmail[.]com
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