Elevator Talk Yang Aneh
December 01, 2007

Elevator talk is the greatest form of entertainment in the universe.

A definition of ‘elevator talk’ to kick-start the supporting points of my thesis statement:

“Elevator talks should only be for a one- or two-story building -- the time it takes an elevator to traverse one or two floors, and no more than 30 seconds.” Denver Business Journal

Though the above is a marketing/advertising term, a literal understanding of it translates to a day-to-day routine in office buildings across the globe. And most of the time, it involves two acquaintances who sort of know each other. They aren't really that close BUT close enough to NOT have the liberty to ignore the other (to avoid having to think much about things to talk about).

Now why is ‘elevator talk’ entertainment beyond Vegas?

Simply put, it covers the most exciting and amusing subjects in town...

The Weather

A: Been raining a lot these few days, hasn’t it?
B: Yeah... pouring cats and dogs yesterday evening.
A: It’s that season eh?
B: Yeah...
A: Yeah... (face down nodding with both hands in pockets)
B: Hmmm... (same as above)

Travel Route & Time

A: Which route did you use?
B: Ah, Federal Highway.
A: Pretty bad traffic jam eh?
B: Yeah, sort of... it’s the school holidays though. It ain’t that bad.
A: I see...
B: Yeah... (stares the ceiling as if looking for something, hands in pockets)
A: Hmmm... (same as above)

Newspaper Headline

A: Check it out, headline says ‘Elvis is Alive!’... (showing headline to others)
B: Get outta here!
C: The doors are closed mate, he’ll get out when he reaches the floor.
D: You gotta be joking!
C: Doubt it. If he’s joking he’d make a ‘knock knock’ joke or something.
A, B & D: (whisper “WTF” while glancing at smart ass Mr. C)

Random Rant

A: You know, it’s really annoying how Celcom charges are higher than the rest!
B: I know... their charges are over the top! (makes big eyes while nodding confidently though knowing jack shit about call rates)
A: Ugh! (looks at phone attentively while pressing the buttons roughly as if writing SMS though actually looking at the contact list after running out of ideas wishing for the elevator to reach her floor soon)
B: Heh... (smirks, wishing the same thing as the above)

Work Related

A: How's that QWERTY Project you were working on?
B: Ah we're in Phase 4... awaiting approval from ASDFGH.
A: I see... the ZXCVB of it all could be really tedious eh?
B: Tell me about it, ASDFGH can take ages!
Everybody else in the elevator: (sighs WTF?)

The 5pm Encounter

A: Heading home eh?
B: Yeah, for once!
A: Ehehehehe...
B: Eheh hee... hee...
Mr. Burns: Excellent...

I’m running out of things to write about.


haha this is very interesting.. It actually happens in real life, esp the "yeah(face down nodding)" part.. I especially like to use 'The Weather' subject, it always is a safe topic.. politics is a definitely a no no..

worst elevator talk ever!:

(cramped in a full-stuffy-elevator)
SON OF A GUN: hey u, long time no c
AKU: emm, yeah..been swamped with work lately
SON OF A GUN: wahh,ur expecting eyh? how many months already?
AKU: err..actually no..i'm not married yet..*heard echo of giggles at d back of ma ears* (facing down wishing i could disapear instantly!)
SON OF A GUN: oh er i'm sorry..must be your baju then..sorry ek
AKU: nah, soccay i get that alot..must be my bulging tummy then..hehe (trying hard to put on a fake smile)

dang,wat a slap in the face!haih~
nice bumping into u in da elevator tho'..& yeah-i've noticed your "hands in pockets" demeanour..ur trademark, eyh? Now i know... =P

Tg: I know Judd uses his elevator talk time to brush up on his pick-up lines...

Did it hurt?
When you fell into my dreams last night...

Were you in the scouts?
'Cos girl, you tie a knot in my heart.

Hanim: Tipu ah tu... I have no 'hands in pocket' whatever habit practiced during elevator talk. My elevator talks are always of significant essence and substance. Hehe... :)

I think the worst is:
Colleague: Oh balik dah? (it's 7.30 pm)
Me: ......

And it happens everyday. Thank God nobody asks "Oh datang keja?" in the morning.

Would be nice if you give 'em unpredictable replies like:

Colleague: Oh balik dah? (it's 7.30 pm)
Me: Ehh takde la bang. Saya memang suka naik turun lif ni
Me: Takde la bang. Baru sampai.
Me: Eh kejap awak kenal ke Ass-rif Omar? The self-proclaimed funniest guy in PIPE21?
or: Eh awak dah baca latest entry Ass-rif Omar..Adakah cinta suatu permainan?

well,i think the worst is a "wink wink" replied with a "toink toink" for a pick up line..lame ass-rif..how sad.haha.

hahaha.lawak siot.

judd: Wrong. You are the worst elevator talker alive. Only the other day you were started a conversation with this girl in the lift saying "Boleh tahan besar eh lift ni, muat 20 orang..." ... 9am next Sunday. I'ma school you son. School you good! Fatass.

maz: Pejadah kau ni masa bila aku cakap pasal pick-up line? Pegi beli Happy Meal untuk daddy nuh! Ngaaahahaha...

pie: Lama tak dengar cerita sahabat. Aku rasa story pakcik tua yang nak withdraw duit from deposit machine tu lagi lawak kut.

girl bawak ice cream masuk lif.

GUY : tak habis ker, kalau tak habis i bleh tolong habeskan.

GIRL : i tak share ice cream ngan orang tak pegi smayang Jumaat.

GUY : i uzur

GIRL : (dalam hati) LANCHAU.

It was 1.30pm on Friday.

A slightly older guy bawak ice cream enters the elevator.

Ass-rif: tak habis ker, kalau tak habis i bleh tolong habeskan.
Guy: amboi awak nih..awak suka makan ice cream ye?
Ass-rif: ha'ah..suka sangat. especially perisa vanilla *blushing*
Guy: agresif jugak awak nih. the way i like it..hahaha meh meh kat abang mehh..
Ass-rif: yeaahh yeaahhh yeaaahhhh..


Azah, Judd pernah cakap kat this one stranger at a bus stop "Panasnya arini, awak nak aiskrim tak? Saya ada aiskrim..."

Then awek tu jerit tolong kuat-kuat. And Judd lari bertempiaran, like a usual sex offender.

in business, elevator statement refers to what would you tell your CEO if you ever bumped into him/her in the lift and asks you on the things that you / your department do.

hahahahah jolo ko Judd kato gitu sungguh? Bengong.

hazarizal : yeah I know, they asked me in one of the job interviews I went.

"If you're in the elevator with the CEO of the company and he asks you, 'How do u suggest we spend our money if we have 500 million at our disposal, and we want to expand regionally?'. I BS my way through, got the job and quit after 6 months.

Btw, the CEO of that company doesnt ride with us common execs. He has his own elevator. Hehe.


"Yeah we're looking into a few things. You know, opportunities to further project our company's competitive edge in the rigors of the industry's demands..." (nodding and nodding)

whilst pressing the damn button behind my back, as if that could make the lift go any faster.

i was once told by someone that the 'close' button is called the 'pacifier' button. It actually doesnt work because it has its own timing when it will close itself. So if you press it like mad pon it wont close until it reaches certain grace-time.

Anyway, that is not entirely true. CIMB's elevator will close once I push the button. But in Kurnia the close button IS the pacifier button. They think it will close faster if they press it, but it doesn't.

It's bloody 2 a.m. and I'm terkinchit-ing laughing at all these comments.

You ppl are fun-nee...

Comey, comey.

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Photography by Azalia Suhaimi

  • Asrif, b. 1983
  • Subang Jaya, Malaysia
  • asrifomar[@]gmail[.]com
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