Soul Plane
January 09, 2008

My parents once told me that when I was a mere two year old and the three of us were flying back to Malaysia, I created so much trouble that the pilot had to make an emergency landing. Not really but it was that bad. I was crying and whining and shouting and screaming non-stop for the whole 14-hour flight.

Evidently, the other passengers and the flight attendants were very displeased by the ruckus that I was making. An attendant even went the distance and yelled at me to shut the hell up; her effort bearing no fruit. Everyone on the plane wanted to throw me out of the window; except for my parents of course... well, maybe.

Little that I know, if I had not pissed so many people off during that flight, I wouldn’t have to endure the curse that they have cast upon me; a curse that would run until today.

I’ve been fortunate enough to experience many more flights after that. I flew solo for the first time when I was 16 and just like any other normal guys my age, I couldn’t get my eyes off the lovely MAS flight attendants. Then again I suppose any guy at any age couldn’t get their eyes off any pair of lean legs struggling hard to move in a very tight kebaya. But I was realistic, the closest I’ll ever get to these fine ladies is when they’re arranging the bags on the overhead compartment (insert smiley face).

So the next best thing a guy could wish for is to be seated beside a fine lass. You know, not really someone leading to having ‘They met on the MH 95...’ as the first slide of your wedding video. An acquaintance, or a friend rather for you to reduce your sausage fests/week rate. Someone you can text after a few days and ask out for a harmless cup of coffee. Someone you could enjoy a live band with on a Saturday night. Someone who may be friends with a host of blistering hot supermodels.

When it comes to seating arrangements however, especially when you’re flying alone, you can only rely on fate to determine who you’ll be sitting next to. And after a fair number of times flying alone, I started to realize a pattern that may well be caused by the curse that I was talking about.

One flight after another I’ve been destined to sit beside guys, and guys only. When I’m at the window seat there’ll be a guy in the middle seat. And I need not explain who are surrounding me when I’m at the middle seat. I did try to alleviate the severity of the curse by requesting the aisle seat. But even then there’ll be another guy seating at the aisle seat beside me.

I suppose it’s not too bad if they are proper guys; City fans, Blues musicians, comedians, filmmakers and whatnot. That is not the case unfortunately. I’ve sat next to people so obnoxious, their wives follow them to work just to avoid kissing them in the morning (credit: Ric Turner, you’re a genius).

Indeed, I’ve sat next to them all; the guy with bad breath, the guy who keeps on repeating the same story, the guy with body odor, the guy who wouldn’t share the armrest, the guy who talks in his sleep, the guy who couldn’t stop picking his nose, the guy who complaints about every little thing, the guy who reads aloud while reading the newspaper (half of it covering your face), the guy who cried watching Bridget Jones, the Man United supporter... the whole list will crash the server.

To make it worse, the departure gate will always be flooded with beautiful ladies. Which only makes it look more promising for the curse to go away and for me to finally sit beside a Meg Ryan lookalike on the plane. Only for me to realize that the spell has yet to be broken; even a Roseanne Barr lookalike wouldn’t sit beside me.

I struggled to find my way out, braving the jungles and seas meeting many gurus to find the key to unlock this spell. I tried taking other means of transportation instead but even then, the bus or train would look like a German brätwurst festival.

Who knows, the other passengers of that LAX - KUL flight in ’84 may have just got back from a witchcraft convention in LA. One can only wonder and I can only keep on looking a remedy to this pain, if you will. Googling ‘breaking spells’ would only return ‘Did you mean: getting a life’ at the top of the page, sadly.



Comments:

It's Bratwurst, not Brätwurst.
 

Ahahahaha Sani... can one not sound a bit fancier at all? I had it sans-ä initially then thought it'd look cooler with one.

Life gospel Wiki had it written that way, though only once (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bratwurst).
 

well, i had a guy picking his nose all the way and his name is ass rif
 

a girl peed on the seat of MAS flight KBR -KUL circa 13 years ago. I think they have to replace the seat.

and no. it was not me. serious.
 

asrif,
better u ask some hottie to accompany u if u nak naik belon nanti :)..
so..u takde la kena duduk sebelah sapa2 yg u tak berkenan..

hocus pocus & selamat maal hijrah!
 

i thought you fancy sittin' in the aisle, hoping that your shoulder make a slight & physical contact with the stewardess' ass.
 

Najib: Well fook me. This guy Najib nuked the bloody plane's shithole it went straight down and made a crater on the Pacific Ocean. On a bloody ocean..! Defying the laws of Physics.

Azah: Little girl peeing on the seat? Must've been Judd then. Oh no that was 13 days ago.

Haley: Bwahaha... another way of doing that is buying a seat in between the female cabin crews; make them hotties sit beside me instead. Have a good year ahead.

Judd: Not quite. One thing's for sure, you buy the aisle seat to sniff on the attendants... the male ones.
 

sedih gila. aku naik kapal terbang sama ada aku dok sebelah laki, ataupun sebelah makcik tua.
 

btw serih, takde lawak next year versi maal hijrah ke? kau mesti ada byk lawak maal hijrah nih
 

tak bleh wat ape dah mat oi.. sama lah cam aku, planes,buses,trains..
sumpahan btul!
 

i've had sketchy guys hit on me on planes. the experience wasn't all that pleasant. do you really want to be THAT guy?

and don't try to debate your sketchiness with me, we all know you are.
 

LOL--U cracked me up, dol~
Reminds me of this ol’ fella who constantly "passing gas" whilst sleeping on the plane...not once or twice...but for infinity! (considering he's an elderly person who probably cudnt control anymore of his arse’s muscles or sumthin, i dunno). Kesian tu kesian gak, tapi seyesly i really felt like smashing the window for a breather only to cause emergency landing for depressurization + sucking out passengers on board thru the window *yikes!*. Luckily it was a short distance flight tho...THANK GOODNESS!!
my SOUL PLANE = FOUL PLANE
your remedy -- GETTING A LIFE = GETTING AN AWEK

Oh btw, "Kg.Pandan Backpackers" -- new project eyh?
 

Pi'e: At the very least, makcik tua tu mungkin ada anak dara yang dia nak kenakan dengan kau kalau kau mampu impress dia within the flight. Lawak 'next year' untuk Maal Hijrah? Tak mampu aku brader.

Nali: Lu lain ngan wa bro. Lu sampai airport ada Cek Mek jemput, wa Abe We pun takde bwahahaha...

Hanna: You're such a darling. Come to think of it, you may be the answer to breaking this spell. Balik nanti kita semua pergi somewhere naik flight, you sit beside me boleh? We'll see if my 'sketchiness' does bear fruit. But but, I value my friendship with Jering so I guess not. :)

Hanim: Sure it wasn't Zack who sat beside you on that flight? Fella couldn't control nothing! That Backpackers site... not my writings. Aku manage je. You'll figure out who's the writer but keep it low..! :o
 

only once did a pretty girl sit next to me on a plane ride. It was LAX-Chicago.

Too bad she was airsick the entire flight. I had middle seat. the other seat was occupied by a white dude with a fro so big it covered half my face. I saw an old chewing gum in it somewhere.
 

The guy beside me shifted the airplane's center of gravity
 

Hard to believe but there was this one time on my way back from KL to LAX, a Korean chick boarded the flight from Taipei, and sat right next to me.

She was a transfer student going to Ohio State. We had a great conversation thru out the flight.

However, after reaching LA we had to take separate flights and I being a 'suci' guy (unlike Serip who pretends to be), forgot to ask for her contacts.

FUCK ME!!!!
 

San: Tetiba aku rasa cam nak nangis teringat kau bagi aku Doritos XXL tiba-tiba kat uMich dulu.

X: Hang... kot ya pun tengah dok blajaq. Mai pegang aku ni Yop tak abih marah lagi aku ni woi..!

Badol: Five bucks says she was supposed to be on the same connecting flight BUT bought a ticket for somewhere else just so she won't have to fly with you. The huge hairy mole on yer hand can even freak Godzilla out FYI.
 

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Photography by Azalia Suhaimi

About
  • Asrif, b. 1983
  • Subang Jaya, Malaysia
  • asrifomar[@]gmail[.]com
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