Engaged
May 16, 2008

I believe I owe it to myself to let the truth be known to the world. I've been keeping it low for far too long now and I don't see a need to keep it a secret anymore. Friends, sorry for not letting you know earlier. You have always been there for me through thick and thin hence it's you, more than anyone else in the world, who deserves to know every bit of its details. It's going to be a challenge doing this in writing but here goes.

I answer phone calls differently.

No, not saying "Differently!" instead of "Hello!". I answer phone calls from different people, in a different manner. Which most of us do as well, I suppose; consequently making it not that much of a secret really. Heck, who answers all of his/her calls the same way anyway? Ignore the first paragraph. It's not like I'd secretly gotten engaged to someone or anything.

Moving on... thought I'd share the (my, rather) many ways of answering calls from different people. Starting off, with the closest to my heart.

The Family

It's pretty straightforward when it comes to the family... a simple "Yeah" or "Ha" usually does it. Which is how I'd be talking throughout the conversation anyway...
"Yeah... ha... ahaa... yeah yeah... okay..."
Don't get me wrong. It's not that I don't fancy talking to them or anything. The ‘yeahs' are basically my adherence of all that are requested of me. I always give my all when it comes to the family. Ladies, take note. Gentlemen, tell your younger sisters.

The Guy Friends

As they populate 97% of the incoming call list on my phone, I'd grown to adopt various ways of answering their calls, ranging from the classic,
"What's happening assface?"**
to the rather commercialized,
"Waaaaaazaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaappp..?!"
to the sound of a donkey,
"Hee haw hee haw hee haw hee haw..."
to name a few.

Girl Friends

Once every few fortnights (can't really sugarcoat the actual duration any better to be honest), I do get a phone call from one of my few girl friends. And whenever the call is coming from them, it's a whole new game. Things could get very tricky and I need to be very delicate in my approach. There's no differentiation by genre anymore; every person needs to be greeted differently.

A. The Close Ones

You know who you are. They're the ones who know me pretty well, thus providing me the avenue to mess around or try to be funny a bit.

Maybe let them say hello first then answer,
"You had me at hello."
or, whenever I'm at the liberty of time,
"Men of Steel Male Escorts, how may I help you?".
Girls, as Stevie Wonder would say... you are, the sunshine of my life.

B. The Moderately-Close Ones

This is when I have to play it safe, real safe. I tend to keep it short and sweet when it comes to them. I don't know why.
"Hello, yeah hi Timah, what's up? Woops... I'm driving here. Call you later yea..."
C. The Not-so-close Ones

See above.

The Office

Ingenious is the only way I'd describe this one. Nevertheless, I may be playing with fire here.

Anyway, you in the office attire, yeah you reading this instead of doing work. When you get a call at the office, do you answer it right away? If so, boy you need continue reading. Otherwise, yeah continue reading.

What scares me the most whenever my office phone rings is the implication of answering it. More often than not, it means more work. But being the committed employee that I am, I never let it ring unanswered. Not since I learned how to ‘cushion' the implication.

The beautiful thing about the office phone system is the customary "Are you busy?" inquiry before any request of favor. Leveraging on that, I normally answer the phone only after the fourth ring. And upon answering, I throw in a few puffs and pants into it...
"Puff puff pant pant... hello... puff puff pant pant..."

"Hey Asrif, you busy? Need some help. You catching breath?"

"Yeah, running everywhere here... puff puff pant pant..."
Well, while I may still have to attend to whatever that is asked of me, at least I've illustrated a nice little picture of the catastrophe I'm in with my current workload. So any delay in delivering my task would be understood. Before I put down the phone and continue laughing at the stuff up on Reddit and ImageChan of course.

Note: Fellow, lovable colleagues, none of the above apply to any of you. You guys know me too well anyway.

The Unknown Number

Right, the mother of all uncertainties. The mini, real-life Deal Or No Deal. It rings relentlessly, giving you no luxury of time and demanding a split-second decision.

Yes, a simple hello would be your safest bet. Nevertheless, there are a trillion tones you could say it with. You don't want to sound too serious when it's Maya Karin who accidentally dialed your number. At the same juncture, you don't want to sound like Krusty the Clown when it happens to be your father in-law's new number.

Nothing hurts more though, than the agony of answering in your sexiest manner, and realizing that it's your very annoying guy friend.
"Helllllllooooowww~~..."

"Hey man, guess who's in town? It's me... Dick!"
Indeed you are.

** My dear cousins, I know you kids have been reading for quite a while now. God knows how you found this site but you did. And I only have so much control over what people read over the Internet. You guys have been the sole reason I've been avoiding profanities (bet you don't even know what that means eh). Anyway, don't let me catch you using bad words in front of me. If you ever do so, mention my name and I'm never letting any of you touch my guitars, ever again. You still need to walk on my back though. Meh, what's the point... this font size is too small for you to read anyway.



Comments:

The "unknown number" ... cam recently baru kena je. hahaha...

lek aa serip, takkan marah lg kut?

zul
 

serih. aku rasa kau genius.
 

oh yay! another funny post from mr. asrif! this really made my day, fyi. You're so talented and funny!

And so articulate.

I have been reading your blog for quite a while now and I have to say this is one of your best posts.

talk to you soon.
 

lol serih, kantoi dgn sedara mara ke?
 

pie, aku sokong ko.
 

superior english
 

dude, it's an es-355 guitar and not a 345... :-)
 

u never fail.. never.. hahahaha
 

serih, aku rasa nak join sani n pie sokong ko.tp skrg ni apa2 pun baik aku sokong chelsea dulu aa.hal ko lain masa crita...ke guano?
 

Jeghi, turun padang ah kita cerita. Lama pulak tak buat step over depan lu ni brader...
 

abih kalau kau answer the phone mellowly "Hullo....dah balik dah?", tu kategori mana plak snoop?
 

haha kalau band made

'weh bila nak jam lagi ni weh, gian nih gian ni gian ni'

haha
 

huk alah, band mate bukan band made. kul 1 pagi. mereng sikit
 

Giaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan..!
 

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Photography by Azalia Suhaimi

About
  • Asrif, b. 1983
  • Subang Jaya, Malaysia
  • asrifomar[@]gmail[.]com
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