Save The Gerbils
June 19, 2008

I've been writing quite a bit now, covering a host of topics from the economic recession in Eastern Europe during the Great Depression, to my similarity to Pinocchio in terms of body part elongation.

After roughly skimming through my past posts however, I realized that they all have two things in common:
  1. They pose thought-provoking questions that often times challenge the conventional way of analyzing behaviors in society.
  2. None of the "thought-provoking questions that often times challenge the conventional way of analyzing behaviors in society" contribute, in any measurable amount no matter how small, to the betterment of mankind.
In other words, this website has been nothing more than a waste of web space, should it be relatively compared to the unquestionable importance of websites such as ImageChan or Fail Blog, to humanity.

Thus today, in conjunction with Paula Abdul's birthday, I believe there is no other time more apt for me to make a change in the things I write and eventually, God willing, the world we live in. I'm going to start writing on things that would benefit us in many ways and add value to our lives, while giving back to society. I'm going to write about something useful.

About something useful.

Moving on, just like any other servants of the corporate world, I spend the bulk of my time at the office. And day in day out, I've been irked by the amount of papers being wasted at work. It's a pet peeve that I never knew I had, in a way.

Firstly, do allow me to clarify here that when I say ‘paper wasting', I am in no way at all referring to ‘office sports' such as paper airplane or the basketball variation, dustbinball. For these activities respectively promote aviation development and teamwork as well as athleticism within the staff members. Furthermore, white collar athletes across the globe are becoming greener by switching dustbins for recycle bins.

Paper wasting in this context refers to the act of printing unnecessarily; often demonstrated through the printing of documents with miniscule need of being in hard copy format. Worse off, some of these documents are being printed single-sided.

How does one deem a document ‘unnecessary to be printed', you may ask. Why did the chicken cross the road, you may also ask.

While I'm more intrigued to answer the second question (which would be this), let's not deviate from our topic here. To me, a document becomes ‘unfit to print' when having a soft copy of it wouldn't mean the end of the world; or the banning of Dunkin' Donuts in my world.

It happens all the time. I've seen people printing out the most needless of things. In ascending order of irrelevance, from a piece of paper that tells the current time and date to a whole chapter from The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People.

What we need to realize is that the less we print, the healthier we become. I won't even dwell into the environmentally friendly or energy saving aspect it; doesn't take a rocket scientist to know that. Printing less simply improves our well-being.

Stay with me on this one.

So unless you're that kid from The Sixth Sense, you were born with five senses: sight, hearing, smell, taste and touch. Now, I'm going to elaborate how printing brings displeasure to every one of these senses.

Sight

Take a look at your office printer. Look deeper... stare at it. Now try imagining that your office printer is Zuleyka Rivera, Miss Universe 2006. Got it? No?

Of course you can't. Not because you don't know how Zuleyka Rivera, Miss Universe 2006 looks like, it's because the printer remotely resembles her.

Now try imagining that your office printer is Dennis Rodman.

Didn't even have to tell you to try did I?

The thing with printers is that they weren't designed for you to take them everywhere, unlike your cell phone or iPod. Hence the way they look doesn't matter; just like what women would usually say about men... who are rich.

You could put a group of Furbies in the design department of a printer company and they would still produce a decent looking printer.

As a matter of fact, I doubt any of the other things at the office would want to date it.

"Yo Phone... seen that new desk lamp over at Finance? She puts the DANG in DANGDUT bro..."

"Tell me about it Stapler. We need more of these desk lamps around here to neutralize Printer's eyesore effect man."

"You don't even have eyes but I'm totally with you there man."

Hearing

I did a simple experiment the other day with the following hypothesis:

"Sound waves produced by office printers have the same adverse effect on gerbils as music produced by Fall Out Boy."

Two gerbils were placed in two separate rooms, Room 1 filled with music by the Fall Out Boy and Room 2 with a printer, continuously printing a PDF copy of The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People.

After two hours, the gerbil in Room 1 was found dead after eating its own hand while the gerbil in Room 2 was found dead in his sleep after reading the first few pages of The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People.

There.

Smell

Well, when was the last time you heard anyone using printer ink as perfume?

Taste

I would be really surprised if you do this but try licking on a warm, freshly printed piece of paper. Hardly tastes like filet mignon, I'd presume?

Touch

See any of the above. Or come up with your own point; couldn't be any worse than the ones I'd written.

Though you may realize that I ran out of ideas by the time I got to that Fall Out Boy experiment (which is non-fictional), I do hope that I managed to deliver my point. And as intended, contribute to the betterment of mankind.

So, unless you're printing out this article to be shared with, while educating and enlightening that very attractive colleague of yours, please do think twice before printing at the office.

Save the gerbils.

EDIT June 22, 2008: Good night, George Carlin.



Life
June 12, 2008

I was in the car with my cousin the other day and during a stop at the red light, we had the following conversation, loosely translated,

"Man... it's always like this."

"Elaborate..."

"I drive a total of two hours back and forth daily from my apartment to the office and half of that time are spent at traffic lights and traffic jams. But never... never once had I ever stopped beside a car with a hot chick in it? Just look around... "

"I don't think chickens are allowed to drive."

"You stupid shit... but that's always the case you see. It's either (1) it's a car full of guys or (2) there is a hot girl in there... but on the driver's seat is a guy who knows that I'm looking at the girl. So he'll throw this face at me, you know -- Yeah yeah, who da man? Dream on sucker... dream on! Booyah!"

"What's new then?"

"I guess."

We both grew up in pretty much the same environment, me and my cousin. Since small, we were trained by the elders in the family to see the world in a wide spectrum, but accept it in a narrow one.

In watching football, for example, we were thought to see the players as people who must get things right (in other words do every single thing we say in front of the TV), 100% of the time. Because they were born to do so. Otherwise, they are the scum of the Earth.

"Okay Dollah move up Dollah move up, to the middle! Ask for the ball! Now Zainal cross the ball he's there waving at you can't you see?! Send it in! send it IN OH MY GOD YOU CALL THAT A CROSS?! YOU'RE SUPPOSED PUT IT INTO THE GOAL ON THIS FIELD!! NOT THE ONE IN MARS!! WHY YOU SON OF A hey... it went in... alright... way to go Nal... always knew it was going to go in... right... nice..."

Nevertheless, in actuality, the bulk of our discussions revolve around our misadventures with members of the opposite gender.

But our misadventures are nothing like the usual drama-filled cases; full of deceit, emotion, deception, and Decepticon. More often than not, the misadventure happens even before the adventure begins.

Another excerpt from a recent conversation, over the phone...

"So what is it now?"

"Yeah so I was at this meeting earlier today right. Then this super hot girl walks into the room and I went BADAZING! You know how often I have meetings with this kind of women right? Only slightly less than the number of time Malaysia won the World Cup."

"Right right..."

"And there was this empty seat beside me; the only empty one in the room and I was going 'please sit here and be single, please sit here and be single, please sit here and be single, please sit here and be single' AND before I could continue, this other lady beside me went..."

"Bah... lemme guess. When's the big day? How's the husband/kids/baby? Saw your boyfriend the other day? How about we just come up with some random question about you not being single at all so that we could shoot down this dweeb beside me?"

"The baby question."

"Ah..."

"Yeah."

"Wanna go have sushi?"

"Yeah sure, why not."



Photography by Azalia Suhaimi

About
  • Asrif, b. 1983
  • Subang Jaya, Malaysia
  • asrifomar[@]gmail[.]com
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