Crouching Tiger Lady
August 21, 2008

Last month, I wrote a letter to Marks & Spencer regarding a customer of theirs who had perceivably gone through emotional distress, from guilt after mistaking me for an employee of the store. It seemed like the thing to do; judging from the look of shock and regret the minute I told her that I didn’t work there.

While I’m as used to being mistaken for a store employee as to say, Dennis Rodman for a Christmas tree, the worst that I got from the incident was just my friends (who weren’t there when it happened) asking me about employee discounts; thanks to Reza’s big mouth (who were there, both him and the mouth). In his defense though, I am guilty for telling everyone about his GOLD COLORED TIE and BLUE SNEAKERS, not to mention the fact that he DOESN’T HAVE A NECK and used to wear shorts that make him look like A MEMBER OF THE VILLAGE PEOPLE.

Anyway, I was at good old M&S again the other day; looking for a pair of khaki pants due to the unavailability of my one and only jeans to serve its master this weekend. One touch on that piece of denim and prepare to have rashes itchy enough, only Wolverine could scratch it off. All in a day’s work for a garment which had last encountered any form of detergent only a few millenniums back. Furthermore, the demanding nature of my schedule would only allow me to do laundry a fortnight from now. Setting up my Yahoo! Fantasy Football team for the week takes precedence, naturally.

So I was flipping through the trousers rack before one of the M&S lady employees, all clad in black was seen crouching and sneaking from underneath a nearby rack. Not far from her was another lady, also in all black (which tells me that she may work there as well), going through some items on the baby clothing rack.

"Ah..." I said to myself.

"So our Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon lady right here is trying to scare the hell out of her co-worker friend it seems. Ha ha... should be pretty funny." I said to a baby in a stroller close by, who responded with a saliva bubble.

And I stood there, as attentive as a National Geographic camera; awaiting a moment that would produce comedy with humor of epic proportions.

"GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" screamed the Crouching Tiger Lady as she makes the scariest face possible while grasping on the other lady’s arms.

"AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!" shrieked the other lady as she throws away all of that were in her possession.

I held my head down, squinting my eyes and biting my knuckle in the effort to suppress myself from bursting into laughter that could possibly impair the hearing of that baby with the spit bubble. After skipping a few heartbeats and finally managing to breathe, I threw another glance at the ladies; only to realize that they were both at a standstill.

From an audible distance, the following conversation took place.

"Er... er... I’m s..s...sorry... I the wrong person. I thought you were my friend over there, who works here." said Crouching Tiger lady who had evidently turned into Slouching Kitty lady.

"................................." said the other lady whose pulse seemed to be non-existent after what just happened.

And I stood there in awe, of a blunder that could’ve just burned my funny fuse. It’s been a good 47 hours now since I last found anything funny. This is only the second time that this has happened.

The first time was when I watched Borat.


adeh. baby tu gelak tak?

So you're saying it's been 47 hours since you last looked in the mirror?

ah, the pain n joy of M&S... lol..

anyway, it's totally, super-duper NOT COOL AT ALL to leave me alone to sleep in class next week OK! argh!!

at least, a sleeping beauty needs its beast! oops.. i meant, prince.. uh, what? nope, it was right the first time.. *chuckles*



Pie: Aku rasa baby tu nak cakap something like "Buzz off you freak..." tapi dia tak reti bercakap lagi.

Snoop: Ak ela, ni Triumph's with la kira ni? Pegi sesat kat Segambut ngan Man ah weh wahahahahahaha..!

Amal: Nak buat cemana aku tetiba banyak meeting next week. Takpe Mal, seminggu je tak tengok aku jangan ah sedih sangat. Plus, aku tengok namelist next week punya session cam tak ramai awek je. Hence...

Azah: You want a pic of it? It is way, way up there.

So you think you're funny, dont you?

yes i am

i know a guy who is funnier than you :D

Ajep, spamming won't help.


RAZIF: -||----------------------
ASRIF: ----------------------||-



Ajep, tenang Ajep... aku jab bunyi helikopter nanti...

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Photography by Azalia Suhaimi

  • Asrif, b. 1983
  • Subang Jaya, Malaysia
  • asrifomar[@]gmail[.]com
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