Not So Fast
September 11, 2008

I was at Jack’s with the guys (as always) for iftar1 the other day. And after devouring on their renowned Fiery T-Bone Steak and Grilled Lamb Chop, resembling savage beasts of the African wildlife, it occurred to me that apart from its known values, fasting is about dueling your own body.

Of course at that point, it was rather surprising that one of our brains was functioning; at least to come up with such a revolutionary thought. Given the condition that we were in, leaning on our backs to support our digestive system which had suffered minor ruptures from our gorging of the food earlier, performing even the most rudimentary of human acts (e.g. breathing -- which did require us to unbutton our pants) would be an incredible feat.

Coming back to our point of discussion, your body begins to make a mockery of your life as early as 5am.

"Honey wake up..." hollers your wife every few seconds from the kitchen as she prepares sahur2.

Your ears on the other hand, trying to be funny, would process the call differently and send a rather distorted signal to your brain; in the form of a sound wave matching that of a Tickle Me Elmo’s.

"Elmo sleepy, rock-a-bye baby... Elmo sleepy, rock-a-bye baby... Elmo sleepy, rock-a-bye baby..." you would hear instead, as you doze off.

You do finally wake up, nevertheless, at your wife’s whip of the pillow, at 545am, leaving you only 5 minutes to eat, before you grab a bottle with your eyes closed and guzzle a few gallons of liquid into your throat, which you would shortly realize was actually Clorox Bleach.

Noon comes with the sun shining brightly up in the sky right through the office window hitting the monitor glaring into your eyes waking you up from a midday slumber at work.

You open your eyes and your e-mail client displays,
To: Jamil Sulong (GM/CBU)
CC: Hussen Mansur3 (SM/CBU)
Subject: RE: Project Neutron

Dear Sir,

In response to your query earlier, do allow me to reiterate that the increase in demand and economic growth within the SEA region had led tooOOoo3rj r933j s9jk---
S –d 32 otofln8g8g9fhj9
SDFsf98 03 r53k 1 pak 0,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
"Ha ha... I can’t send this out. Ha ha... lucky me. Phew, close callzzZZZZzzzz..." you say to yourself in such relief before you (as illustrated by the ‘zzZZZZzzzz’) instantly snooze back into deep slumber while your head falls right onto the ‘Enter’ key.

And out goes the underprovided e-mail to its involuntary recipients.

It’s not ALL that bad, surely. Most companies are generous enough to allow their employees to go home a bit earlier during the fasting month; certainly nothing better than heading off from work at 4pm and reaching home at 7pm.

Along the frenzied traffic, in spirit of the fasting month, you do try to refrain your mouth from spewing out curses at the other road users. A few smart aleck acquaintances of mine however, had formulated a way to express their feelings with the same anger intensity, without actually cursing per se.

"Use the lights you unintelligent offspring of a female canine!" said a human thesaurus in the Civic.

"Oh yeah, yuck fou too!" replied the rhyming genius in the Camry.

At dusk, the beauty of the fasting month emerges. You get to enjoy a fully deserved meal with your family or housemates after a whole day of patience and perseverance. The faces of your loved ones glow as sadklasdk 0aso[ we .. . ./
. . / . ..
Sd

Qwe]]]]]]louygklp]h]u

E
.s…s.s99 p9p9p9p9l.,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,//////////////////////////

1 iftar: The break of fast
2 sahur: The meal before fasting
3 Hussen Mansur: A very weird friend of mine



Comments:

a beautiful entry. i cried in astonishment.
 

MAKE THAT MONEY MONEY DUIT DUIT.....RUPIAH RINGGIT DUIT DUIT
 

I am not sure which is a more brutal mockery than the other. The challenges of fasting or the fact that you're writing with the illusion of having a wife.

Be it one or the other, you have a great flair in writing.






For me to poop on.
 

Judd: I cried too, fatass.

Ajep: Sing that song one more time and I'ma beat you up.

Snoop: You were partly at fault. Roti tu dia potong 4. Dah tinggal 1 boleh pulak memandai offer aku. Just taking it as it is son ngahaha...
 

a wife? thinking somewhat optimistically eh? that's the spirit.






hi asrif :)
 

asrif, you are a genius.
 

Unbelievably funnier than Judd.
 

Hanna: Writing as a third person here, third person. Jering puasa cukup tak this year?

Pie: No, George Carlin is a genius.

Syu: But few could topple Ajep.
 

happy fasting anyway, dude!

p/s - ko buat muke seposen "bile nak raya" lagi kat opis mmg nak kena laa.. lagi half a month je wey.. sabor2 sket :p
 

bro...selamat hari raya...aku mintak maaf atas salah silap selama aku kenal ko..enjoy raya..n stop2 aa sokong city..
 

Well written article.
 

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Photography by Azalia Suhaimi

About
  • Asrif, b. 1983
  • Subang Jaya, Malaysia
  • asrifomar[@]gmail[.]com
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