Mockumenting Youth
November 01, 2008

In his book 'Everything and a Kite', comedian Ray Romano explored the subject of mockery in children, an issue rarely researched by child psychologists the world throughout; let alone comedians. The complexity of the matter has been deterring researchers from delving deeper to unearth the mysteries behind it, consequently leaving intrigued individuals like Mr. Romano and myself to do the job. More likely though, they just couldn't give a rat's ass.

In 'Kite, Romano focused on children's inclination to rhyme names (e.g. "Slimy Jimmy wets his nappy!") in their effort to make fun of their peers. Nevertheless, this observation may be more apparent in children of the West. And if your childhood wasn't spent anywhere near that part of the world, like myself, the severity of the name-rhyme approach may be questionable.

It's a whole different ball game over here, halfway across the globe. Growing up, the artistry and creativity revolving around the act of ridiculing our friends played a huge role in our lives. And I can safely say that it was only a mere second to our academic achievements, during our formative years; as far as we (excluding our parents, evidently) were concerned.

"What's this C doing on your report card?"

"This kid at school had a pink lunch box... I asked if it came with a matching pantyhose."

"That's my boy. Where do I sign now son?" I would always imagined my dad saying.

The cruelty often prevails when physical appearance was the topic of interest.

It was the early days of satellite TV. And who do you ring up whenever you get bad reception at home? None other, than the kid with the rather, flappy ears.

"Dude are you on the trampoline or something? Quit it man... stay still... I'm trying to watch some wrestling here!"

There was also then, by the wonders of his abdominal area's premature expansion, the potbellied kid. Some highlighted his resemblance to our childhood hero, Doraemon; occasionally sliding into his pockets with the hope of getting an invisible robe or something of that nature. Some, bolder ones, would toy with the concept of male pregnancy and place their hands on his prized belly...

"Aw, there it is kicking again..." they would say, before getting kicked themselves.

What goes around though, as they say, comes around. I had my (not too) fair share of derision.

The kids in the neighborhood who'd seen my siblings would usually notice how I was a few tones darker than they were. Inevitably, it took them no longer than a heartbeat to write a letter to the National Registration Department to revise my nationality and propose the revelation of yours truly, as an adopted child.

More than fifteen years had gone by since those days, and I can conveniently say that, little has changed. Old habits die hard and I still jeer as much as I am jeered. From the transformation of the gap between my front teeth into a road tunnel, to the atrocity of my hair, I've heard them all.

The universal, recurring theme agreed by guys worldwide however, has always been the size of their, for lack of better words, reproductive organs.

"Mine has got its own zip code!"

"You don't need that much rubber do ya?"

"Sigh, I have to buy two seats everytime I fly."

"What do you mean I'm only 5-4? I'm 5-11... wanna see the other 7?" and so forth.

This guy, however, shifts the paradigm like no other. 'Fess up Ticub!



kat sekolah rendah aku dulu
budak2 suka panggil nama bapak.

mungkin diorang nak start culture panggil org by their last names.

tapi aku nampak ramai bergaduh sampai tumbuk2 hanya kerana memanggil sesama sendiri dgn last name.

Yo, ass-face-rif... I thought by now you might have pick up a lesson or two from “The Love Guru". Like seeing the beauty in others do? Haioh, ini macam punya low self-esteem; fuss abt your skin colour, unique dental structure and rebellious hairdont yada yada yada...ain’t gonna help you much, esp. in luring chicas. Sampai bila nak jadi bujang terlajak, dol?

Unless, you’re trying to hint us something with your last statement...7”... er, no?

(this is NOT a mockery. This is JUST teasing :P)

aku tak paham entry ko sebab english ko too superior

ahahah tu laa Judd.. english superior nih ;p

and yeah.. when i was in school pon they used to call fathers' names. sometimes, mothers'.

but usually mothers' names didn't really sail coz apparently a lot have mothers with 'YAH' at the end of their names. almost similar. heh.


The lines at the end are just examples taken off various sources.

One of which, was Judd -- 7" you're having a laugh! :-)

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Photography by Azalia Suhaimi

  • Asrif, b. 1983
  • Subang Jaya, Malaysia
  • asrifomar[@]gmail[.]com
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