I Used to Believe
December 01, 2008

This one looks fun. I found it via NYTimes.com's Laugh Lines, which is also your best source of talk show monologues, by the way.

IUsedToBelieve.com is a website for people to share their childhood beliefs. Tom, for example, once believed that, and I quote, "All babies came out as girls and later on in life some of those girls turned into boys."

I just had to read on further, until I was intrigued to write down my own list... as follows.

Belief 1: I used to believe that professional wrestling is real.

Of course I'm totally kidding here. Of course professional wrestling is anything but fabricated. Of course Kane is The Undertaker's younger brother who got scarred for life after their countryside house burned down back when they were kids and he got left behind to suffer a torturous life of humiliation and anguish in living behind a mask before coming back to take revenge on his brother at -- of all places -- WWE's Badd Blood: Hell in a Cell, live from Madison Square Garden, available on Spike TV's pay-per-view just for $9.99, check local listing.

Couldn't make that one up. Moving on...

Belief 2: This one is rather obtuse, to say the least. I used to get real confused by the word condominium, and its abbreviation. Apparently, I didn't know that while 'condo' is the right short form for 'condominium' (a type of high-rise property building), 'condom' may not necessarily have much to do with high-rise properties; possible, but not always. Good old pea-brained me thought that they both mean the same. Explains the look on my friend's face when I asked him, "So your family lives in that condom nearby the lake, eh?"

Belief 3: Black and white films. We've all been fooled by them. As a kid spending countless hours going through his grandpa's P. Ramlee videotape collection, I used to believe that, as in the movies, the real world was all black and white before the 1970s. So if you're a male parrot and you look at yourself in the mirror at 11:59pm, 31/12/69, you'll be freaking your ass out a minute later as you see yourself turning into this tangy colored bird all of a sudden. Consequently, you'll stay in for a few days in fear of being called a homosexual by the other parrots (who incidentally flew nowhere as well).

Belief 4: To save me from the horror of circumcision at an older age, my dad had me circumcised at the tender, very tender age of 3 days old (I know, hello ladies...). Perhaps this was the reason behind my rather straightforward approach towards the girls I liked as a kid; as explained in the previous post.

While I grew up constantly feeling a wee bit manlier than my peers, I was made the subject of derision by my uncles and cousins whom, without the backing of any scientific research whatsoever, continuously scared the shit out of me by telling me that I have to be circumcised again, simply because the one I had back then "didn't count".

While time doesn't seem to slow them down, at 25, and with a better sense of logic and common sense, I manage to handle the pressure they enjoy putting over me. And I know you guys are going to back me up on this one, right? It doesn't matter at what age you got it sliced, right? You only have to do it once, right? RIGHT?!

I guess that's as many as I could recall. Post yours!


Circumcised at the age of 3? I think a quote from Deuce Bigalow European Gigolo suites u fine, "I'll take my 3 inches somewhere else"

I actually wondered y u were so happy at flashing ur fat ugly ass to my face ... u're so embarassed u only have a pisau lipat in pocket instead of a keris right????

lol... But when I was young, I really thought that the wrestling show was real.

LOL. aku nok komen tapi takut I'd say something inappropriate. So, LOL.

jolo ko to save u from the horror? sebab setahu aku kalu ado some problems jah demo nih ssunat awal ie : unable to pee.

i'm serious. happened to one cousin. but can't recall sapo dio. heh.

i used to believe girls get pregnant just by physical touch and that condom is like a rubber suit that covers the whole body. nice.

i used to think that once u get married that's it, until recently, assfuck.

I was told to believe that my mom jalan2 kat tepi pantai one day and suddenly she saw a chest ashore. Pastu dia bukak chest tu and found me, with 4 other botol susu, and she took me home.

That was how I became her daughter.

So much for explaining how I came about.

Badol: I just, don't get you.

HX: Quite a number of people still do... Badol for instance.

Azah: Swifter than the River Nile. :-)

B: Terbaik... wahahaha...

Awang: Aku tau bah, aku tau.

Syu: I would imagine someday, someone will come up with a website dedicated just to ideas for 'the talk'.

i used to believe that asrif was the coolest dude on earth. i still believe that until now.

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Photography by Azalia Suhaimi

  • Asrif, b. 1983
  • Subang Jaya, Malaysia
  • asrifomar[@]gmail[.]com
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