The Bald and the Beautiful
August 05, 2009

I don't think it was that long ago when I wrote about my single most horrified fear as a child: my cousins.

While most of my peers back then feared Freddy Krueger, Herman Munster, Beetlejuice and our neighborhood dentist, it may have sounded a little strange of me to be afraid of boys my age who weren't even old enough to zip their own pants; without risking their manhood.

Alas that, was the reality. For these boys were wholly responsible for causing me emotional distress from their constant jibe for being the only cousin to be circumcised at the tender, tender age of 3-days old.

"The one you had 'didn't count'..!" they used to jeer into the nightmares that haunted me for years to come. And I'd be lying to say that imageries of having to someday line up for the snip-doctor together with my own kids never crossed my mind.

But gone were those days. Growing up, I've been educated sufficiently enough in school, and over the Internet, to understand that the one I had... did count!

Nevertheless, I am but immortal; as anyone else. And fear, can never be foreign enough to us. From their kids, I have now become afraid of my uncles.

It's not that they scare me off like Santa do babies or anything. Though I do recall one of them disguising himself as a moving blanket to spook us out; before tripping down.

That aside, my uncles are perhaps some of the finest gentlemen around. As much as they are loved and revered as great dads, it is their receding hairline that frightens me.

Being related by blood to them, with my dad already surrendering to shining baldness and my younger brother losing hair faster than the speed of light, it is not impossible that I may one day appear on Oprah... as Dr. Phil. As researches show how 25% of men begin balding at the age of 30, the potential of my own, genetically-induced hair loss, in four years time, has become increasingly, eerily inevitable.

I've been fortuitously spared, thus far, I can safely say. Perhaps, I was blessed with my mom's gene. As photo albums of old hold evident, a family picture of my mom's side from the late 80s could give any big hair rock band a run for its money. So, there is hope.

Is it really that bad though? I don't even have to go any further than some of my own friends to point out how baldness can actually work to your favor. In fact, while some of them began losing hair as soon as they hit puberty (instead of the other way around), these guys have had immense success in the social scene; dwarfing the likes of Alfie, Van Wilder and even to the extent of making Austin Powers look like Napoleon Dynamite.

Well, figuratively speaking.

Polls have shown how women find bald men appealing. The phenomenal achievements of Vin Diesel, Jason Statham, Andre Agassi, Michael Jordan and Homer Simpson are perhaps proof of just that. "They look wise..." and "It makes me wanna smear honey all over..." were some of the many complimentary remarks I've heard of bald men; told by women and men with questionable orientation. Who said which, is your call.

It remains a dilemma, I have to admit. Many would agree. And given the option, I would very much prefer to have the choice to either style it out or shave it all off; as I wish. As it stands though, I have only so much control over my bodily functions.

Here's to making enough money to afford Donald Trump's hairstylist. Or whatever it is that he actually styles.


hahahahh u googled about ur dick online? mannn...

yeah. i am one of those who finds bald man interesting. one of my exes was bald maso berpacaran di Ahmad Maher. (zame ssohor rambut G.I. laa)

but bald only looks good on you if you have Lex Luthor's head. Trust me.

kan ada yun nam hair care.

The 3-day-old event can compensate the receding hairline I suppose.

No worries, hehe.

Ajah: That isn't really how I would term it but if you wish. :-)

Pie: Tapi menjadi kat semua orang ke?

Syu: I hope :-|. No I take it back, I don't know really.

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Photography by Azalia Suhaimi

  • Asrif, b. 1983
  • Subang Jaya, Malaysia
  • asrifomar[@]gmail[.]com
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