57 Things That (I Think) Describe Us
August 30, 2014

I’ve been seeing these lists about being Malaysian popping up everywhere. Thought I’d take a shot with this short one. Have a good Merdeka weekend, folks.
  1. We love to plant trees, especially in front of signboards.
  2. We can suddenly speak in four languages when we’re driving.
  3. You can be a Waze Premium User and still get lost in Putrajaya.
  4. All our cabs come equipped with specially-designed broken meters.
  5. It is normal for a MyVi to signal a Porche Carrera GT off the fast lane.
  6. A Mat Rempit does not need a phonebooth to change into Superman.
  7. Our most common signboards read “Berhenti”, “Kurangkan Laju”, and “Ubat Kuat Lelaki”.
  8. In case you don’t know, TNB is not voluntarily advertising those Ah Long posters.
  9. We have a unique traffic light system where all colors mean, “JALAN AH!”
  10. Never trust the Federal Highway.
  11. There are more potholes in Shah Alam than there are on the Moon.
  12. Using PLUS Highway during the festive season is never a plus.
  13. People will always remember Bestari Jaya as Batang Berjuntai. There’s no changing that.
  14. Our mamak waiters are math Olympians. They never need calculators.
  15. “Kurang manis” means “extra sugar”.
  16. And “tak nak bawang” means “bawang lebih”.
  17. We have an on-going 200-year battle with Singapore for the rights to chicken rice.
  18. Good thing “Nasi Goreng USA” is all ours.
  19. Our standard workout ratio is 1-hour futsal and 3-hour mamak.
  20. The same nasi bungkus today will not have the same price tomorrow.
  21. When doctors say “eat more fruits”, they don’t mean durians.
  22. The only place to get the Original Satay Kajang is in Kajang, all 300 of them.
  23. Never eat Ramly Burger without napkins.
  24. Free small cone ice cream is worth the two-hour queue.
  25. No amount of diarrhea can stop you from going back for that rojak and cendol place under the tree.
  26. Hipter cafes are mushrooming everywhere, none of which we can pronounce.
  27. We are all hardcore Harimau Malaya fans until we lose to Nepal.
  28. JDT will one day buy the whole of the 2002 Real Madrid Galacticos team.
  29. The supporters of all M-League teams sing the same song. It’s called, “Referee Kayu”.
  30. We used to have a lot of Manchester United fans. Used to.
  31. Half of our men will lose to Nicol David in arm wrestling.
  32. The only way for us to win the Thomas Cup again is to get Lee Chong Wei to also play doubles, alone.
  33. We have more public holidays than any other country in the world.
  34. Even then, we’d still ask for one if we win the World Cyber Games.
  35. We laugh at the front page of Harian Metro before spending an hour reading the whole thing.
  36. The celebrities who look the same on Melodi are all the same person.
  37. “Rindu Awak 200%” and “Love You Mr. Arrogant” are TV series no man would ever admit to binge-watching.
  38. The Astro Awani Facebook comment section is for people to write comments and sell male enhancement pills.
  39. Following Bung Mokhtar on Twitter is a double-edged sword.
  40. Our prime sources of news include online, print, TV, and WhatsApp rumors.
  41. The toughest job in the country is Celcom, Maxis and DiGi customer service.
  42. Astro too.
  43. The only ATM machines that are not out-of-service are the ones you are not trying to use.
  44. The parking autopay machine on the other hand, while not out-of-service, will not take your money.
  45. And even if they do, you’ll get a buckload of coins in return.
  46. Because instead of putting RM1, you slipped in RM50 into the slot!
  47. Don’t even get me started on the same 20 sen and 50 sen coins!!!
  48. Anyway, moving on...
  49. The Komuter is always on-time if your watch is 45 minutes late.
  50. The rule is to barge into the LRT when people are walking out so that they can’t get out.
  51.  Same goes for lifts.
  52. The movie poster translation for Harry Potter is “Pasu Berbulu”.
  53. It is perfectly normal to use a selfie for your CV.
  54. The most important part of a meeting is the refreshments.
  55.  Sneaking out of the office at 5pm is borderline espionage.
  56. Raya open houses run well into Raya next year.
  57. And this list is something you read when you’re out of things to pretend reading at said open house.




Photography by Azalia Suhaimi

About
  • Asrif, b. 1983
  • Subang Jaya, Malaysia
  • asrifomar[@]gmail[.]com
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